Marriage

The Husband, The Wife, and “His” Lady Friends

 

I’ve been getting many emails and social media messages on this subject so I feel it’s one that must be addressed. I bet you can take one guess as to who has been asking me about this. Probably 100% of you guessed that it was the wives, and you would be correct. However, before I dive into this I want to say that there is absolutely nothing wrong with a husband having friends of the opposite sex. Please stop cursing me in your mind ladies because I know you’re doing it, lol. The problem you’re really dealing with is the fact that the mismanagement of his friendship with these women is leaving you feeling dismissed and disenchanted. Are you ready? Let’s have a conversation about the husband, the wife, and “his” lady friends.

THAT NEW FOOLISHNESS

So, over the past few years, I was introduced to what I like to call “That New Foolishness”. While speaking to a few women about their relationships a few years ago, I noticed they had one common problem. Their husbands had many friends of the opposite sex. To me, that is not odd because my profession (writer/speaker) brings me in contact with more women than men. However, the way they went about things really struck me as odd.

These women did not know each other but their stories were so similar. They would tell me how their husbands had lady friends who they have never met. The husbands did not take the initiative to introduce them and in some cases, they downright refused to do so. There you go, ladies and gentlemen. This type of behavior gets filed directly in my “That New Foolishness” folder. At that time, I had never heard of such foolishness. Oh, it gets worse.

THAT NEW FOOLISHNESS “CELL PHONE EDITION”

The ladies also explained to me that they were having issues with their husbands being so secretive with their cell phones. From what I gather, the men would always leave their phones facing down. Evidently, the purpose of this was to prevent their wives from seeing any text messages that popped up or the names from the callers. Well, while we’re on this train let’s keep it rolling.

Now this is the one that really got me. They would explain to me how they would be in the bed and their husband’s phone would go off all times of the night. In each case, they said the husband would grab his phone and roll over and begin to text. Or, they would go to another room and make phone calls. One wife even told me that her husband would sleep with his cell phone under him or either in his sock. Do you see all this mess right here? Say it with me, “That New Foolishness”. What in the world?

I remember saying to one of the wives, “You got to be lying. You’re not telling me a grown man is rolling over in the bed with his phone like he’s trying to keep you from peeping at his test answers.” The thing that got me the most about all this is that in each case, the husband said they were just friends. They very well may have been, but the way these brothers were going about things suggested something different.

100% TRANSPARENCY

I’m quite sure many of you already know this by now, but I was married for seventeen years before my wife passed. During those seventeen years, I’ve accumulated a wealth of knowledge deriving from our mistakes as well as the mistakes of others. I am a firm believer in learning from the mistakes of others. If I see Lil Nuck-Nuck and dem fall into a ditch, I know the path they have taken is probably not the right one to take.

As I said before, because of my profession, I have always had more female friends than male. That was a problem with Ann on the A-side of our marriage because she assumed that a man and woman could not be friends without wanting to sleep together or already having done so. She said she thought that way because that’s what she saw. For that reason, I made sure I was 100% transparent.

Hey sir, if you can't be 100% transparent with your lady about your friends of the opposite sex, you probably shouldn't have friends of the opposite sex. #HusbandRules #WifeyActs. Click To Tweet

Ann had the passcode to my phone so she could get into it any time she pleased. There was nothing to hide. Also, any female friend of mine was introduced to her. She knew who they were and they knew who she was. There was absolutely no confusion in that regard. Whenever they would call my phone it did not matter if Ann answered or me. Anyway, once they met Ann, the two of them would become friends. There were no secret friendships of the opposite sex.

I made it my mission to make Ann feel 100% secure in our marriage. Also, when they would call and I was in the car, I would have the conversation through the car speakers. There would be no telling who would speak first, but rest assured that sometime during the conversation there would be a “Hey Ann”, or Ann would be like “Hey Girl”. 100% transparency is the key.

DISMISSED AND DISENCHANTED

So, let me talk to you for a minute sir. I’m not saying that you are being unfaithful but I can certainly see your lady’s point of view. As I said before, there is absolutely nothing wrong with having friends of the opposite sex. However, there must be clearly defined boundaries that both you and your lady agree to, followed by 100% transparency. When you appear to be hiding something from your lady it gives her the rightful assumption that you are doing exactly that. She thinks that you are hiding something because your actions are suspect. Not to mention, if you had a problem keeping your zipper up in the past there are certainly going to be things running through her mind when you have dealings with other women.

I feel as though I can’t say this enough. There is absolutely nothing wrong with having friends of the opposite sex, but when you handle it the wrong way you leave your lady feeling dismissed. And when a lady feels dismissed by the man she loves it drives her absolutely crazy. As a matter of fact, this is the first place I tell men to check when they tell me their lady seems angry all the time. Usually, it’s because she feels dismissed.

If this is not corrected, she will start to feel disenchanted. The word disenchanted means to feel let down or disappointed by a person you previously respected. Notice I used the term “previously respected”. Let me translate her feelings for you. The more you keep dismissing her feelings about these friends of yours, the less respect she will have for you. I’m not saying she’s going to be disrespectful in behavior, but she will lose respect for you in her heart. Her feelings may still be attached but the respect will start to fade away.

When this happens she will no longer look at you as her SUPERMAN. Really, she won’t even look at you as her Clark Kent. She’ll start to view you more as a Lex Luthor, and he was the enemy. You might want to correct this before it gets too late. Remember, 100% transparency is the key. If the lady is truly just a friend there should be absolutely no problem with this.

AS IT RELATES TO ME

When the time comes for me to remarry, 100% transparency will definitely be one of my husband rules. My wife will NEVER have to wonder about any female friend because she will be introduced to every one of them that have made their way into my phone. These ladies are going to become the best of friends. And even in the case that they don’t, she will know who they are and be totally secure in my dealings with them because there will be boundaries. As a matter of fact, every last lady I consider a friend today is respectful to the utmost. That really makes a big difference.

I’m not trying to get punched in my eye because I’m getting late night “friend” calls that I’m trying to hide from my wife. She will not feel dismissed and she will not feel disenchanted. This keeps foolishness down and allows us to stay on track with the loving part of the marriage.

 

 

15 thoughts on “The Husband, The Wife, and “His” Lady Friends

  1. I really enjoyed the new blog, you really hit the nail on the head regarding transpancy, discharged and not having that respect for your spouse any more. Again I love the new blog.

  2. Good article to raise awareness on the new foolishness Male edition , a few observations I’d like to share:
    1.Tone down any expectations of wifey and female friends being best friends or buddies . Adults choose their own friends.

    2. Wifey or Female friends will and do behave badly and poorly as you talk/take/dish/accept certain news or details of your yours, wifey , female friends business amongst, between or with them. Loose tongues , Slipped Boundaries , misplaced , insecurities , vulnerabilities have consequences.

    3. Humans evolve, likewise female friends can evolve from good to bad or bad to good or good to deadly relative to what season or experience or influences they’re in. Be observant and discerning enough to treat, create intentional distance or loose the female friendships when they become ill.

    4. Do not become so enchanted or obsessed with preserving the history of your female friendships you jeopardize the future of your union. Be wise!

    5. Lastly the new foolishness includes creating an illusion of boundaries and transparency in the physical but continuing heart and soul deception . Prayerful wifeys, the holy spirit exposes and reveals such in time.

  3. I like the blog….love what you said about transparency. Its not what you do, but how you do it. Thanks for the good read.

  4. Sho u right! I was involved with someone who consistently exhibit the same behaviors with his “friends,” all of whom were exes. I was always made to feel like the enemy tho. Needless to say, we’re on different paths and that’s a good thing. No time for that foolishness!

  5. Very good Derron E. Short. It is very important to have transparency in a marriage. I have to deal with a lot of males, my husband can answer my phone, he is my friend on social media, welcome to see my emails, text whatever (not that he is doing that) but if he wanted to I have nothing to hide. We have no locks or unknown codes on our devices.

  6. Excellent post! As usual you got it right! True honesty and trensparency are such important keys to an happy marriage!!!

  7. You make this sound so easy. Don’t you think the ‘heart of the man’ is at issue here? I truly don’t question your reasoning, wisdom nor advice, but to tell a man who’s been raised by a womanizer or only seen the street version of men (being so many are locked up), what do you say to men who don’t have the heart you have for women? Those who have taken their primal instincts that God gave and made everything they go after a contest for a new victory? Those who take their hunting skills into the arena of love and affection? Those who have not connected with the God side of their heart and think that this vast field of options are just a massive sea of choices that he shouldn’t be limited by? I love the marriage wisdom side of your mission, but what about the ‘man’ side? Is the objective to show him what God calls a man? There is a place and time for everything under the sun, but I don’t think God Ever intended that man should “hunt” women. I told a guy once on a dating sight that “I am not the prey, I am the prize”. Men seem to think women are to be hunted and captured and set aside so no other man can get her. But, what is his need for “That New Foolishness”? What is its purpose? It’s not about the wife (100%) but the marriage can survive if he treats it like he actually wants to save it. I’m a little p’turbed at that because I’ve seen some version of this for so many years. It just seems we are talking to walls. I know nothing changes all at once. I guess I’m not in the best place to be positive. I’m just tired of seeing women treated like possessions instead of gifts. Someone to be appreciated and rewarded at times for being caring, loving, faithful and steadfast in her dedication to that one man. Thank you for sharing this. I pray it makes the difference because its desperately needed.

  8. This hits home for me so much, I can’t ever remember a time except for when I first got together with my significant other when he was transparent, he’s done all of the above things, making me feel inadequate and ashamed that I’m allowing this to happen.

    1. Your ability to control anyone stop with you. Your husband/SO has to take responsibility for his choices and for the actions he’s taken to make you feel as you do. All other attempts at deflection, gaslighting and disrespect are SOLELY ON HIM. Yes, you have a choice as to whether you will endure this abandonment or you can look at yourself in a mirror and decide where your value comes from. If you’re not married to this person, you have NO OBLIGATION TO REMAIN. Your heart and health are at risk and how you define your value, or Who defines your value will determine whether you will allow him to continue this plague of shame. The only shame you may legitimately entertain is that which he inflicts on you out of his actions toward his relationship to you. If you are married, I wouldn’t advise you to leave unless you are being harmed, including emotional harm. But, that emotional element requires an effort to save what was once built for a lasting future. However, God never called us to harm each other in marriage. We may struggle TOGETHER and Endure TOGETHER, but where abandonment enters the vows are breached and need intervention to save. I pray your health (emotional & physical) and strength and God’s covering over you to make a decision that breathes life into your soul.

  9. Great blog! Why is it so difficult for spouses/significant others, male or female, to realize transparency is another expression of love? Not a thing to hide!!! Naive? No! Just no time for foolishness!!!

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