As a teen, I learned to play the piano in church. And because of my love for chords and good lyrics I was one of the few my age who preferred R&B music to rap. Whenever mom would leave the house I would immediately turn the channel to videos to catch the latest song. A great deal of what I learned about women I learned from the lyrics and videos of R&B musicians. I understood that many of them may not have been living what they were singing about but that did not matter to me. The love, trust, and romance they sang about were the ingredients I desired to have in my own relationship when I grew up. In my new book “#HusbandRules #WifeyActs” I even dedicated a whole chapter to breaking these songs down into the lessons they taught me. One song that I dissected as a young man was “All Cried Out” by the group Allure. Though it was originally by Lisa Lisa and Cult Jam, the first time I heard it was by Allure.
Marriage and relationships were not meant to be a place of stress and pain. The idea was for two people to get to know each other in a way that nurtures love, respect, and adoration for one another. From this relationship should form a marriage. And in the marriage, the two parties are supposed to continue to grow in love, respect, and adoration for one another. Though these are not the only attributes of a great marriage, they are at the forefront. Next comes the house with the white fence, the dog, and the kids. As my good friend Unnia would say, “That looks great on paper.”
In real life, this is rarely the case. Most relationships generally start on a good note. The man seems to be loving, attentive, and very respectful. He notices everything about her. He’s trying to make a good impression so he wants her to know that she’s important to him. He wants her to know that he’s paying attention. This is a beautiful thing and there’s nothing wrong that. However, the problem comes when he stops paying attention, stops giving the compliments, and stops being kind. Because I’m speaking from the woman’s perspective, do not understand this to mean the man is always guilty of this. There are plenty of women who have stopped watering the plants in the garden of their relationship as well. However, in my experience over 90% of my consulting sessions have been with women who have said, “I’m Tired.”
These women are tired of the minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years, and decades of being mistreated by the very men who are supposed to love them. They are tired are giving their all while getting nothing in return. They are tired of being criticized for not trusting an untrustworthy man. They are tired of being controlled. They are tired of being spoken to any kind of way. They are tired of feeling dismissed, disrespected, and kicked in their feelings. And the lies, let’s not talk about the lies. Because of my occupation, I hear it all.
THE DANGER ZONE
The song “All Cried Out” is basically about a woman who has reached her breaking point. You know she has reached this point because she no longer cares. This is a very dangerous place to be. The man is supposed to be the leader in the relationship. Therefore, he should take the lead in the upkeep of the relationship. This does not mean that he is a boss. A leader and boss are two different things. Men who do not understand this often make the mistake of trying to rule his woman well instead of ruling his home well. Again, there is a difference. The term “rule my woman” should not even be in a man’s vocabulary.
The song does not only speak from a woman’s point of view. It also speaks from the perspective of a man who now sees that he’s about to lose his good woman. He realizes the value of what he is about to lose. The lyrics in the third verse speak of her slowly dying. The sad part is that the man knew what he was doing to her the entire time. He kept neglecting her pain until she reached the point that her tears could cause an inferno. I’ve always been a nerd, so I looked this word up when I first heard the song. An inferno is a large fire that is dangerously out of control. Most men can not imagine feeling like this but it is a feeling that most women know all too well.
“For the LORD takes delight in his people; he crowns the humble with victory.” -Psalm 149:4 NIV
One characteristic women love to have in their man is humility. A humble man has no problem at all admitting his shortcomings and trying to make things better. When the man comes in to sing his part in “All Cried Out” the first thing he starts to do is admit his faults. I know this seems like blasphemy to many men, but he admitted that he never wanted to see things her way and that he was a fool for being like that. This is all women want. A mature woman understands that her man is not without his faults but she does expect him to own up to them and sincerely try to make amends. This is what a man does. He has no problem apologizing for his wrongs.
As I previously stated, these songs have taught me so much about relationships. This song, in particular, taught me the power of humility. Not only does it make it easier to apologize, but it also makes it easier to turn from the wrong. Pride prevents us changing or even admitting that we are wrong. This is not healthy and will lead to the demise of even the best of relationships. My prayer is that the men that need to read this will read this before it’s too late. Once she’s gone she’s gone. And she doesn’t have to leave the marriage or relationship to be gone.